If I Just Breathe, I'll Know Everything Is Alright...

Nothing Really To Say, So Much More To Think...

2007-08-30T04:39:22Z

So here I am, back at good ol' CMU.

Yep.

Keith and I came up on Saturday night and he spent the night here both Saturday and Sunday nights. And when he left on Monday morning, I felt like someone was ripping my heart out and doing the Mexican hat dance on it. I cry so hard that I crawled back into bed and just sobbed. I felt like I was going to lose it all day. That night, I bawled to him. I basically cried myself to sleep. I haven't cried since, but I still get teary every now and then. It's HARD. Very HARD.

I love my apartment though and my roomies. It feels so much better than Lexington did. Lexington felt like I lived alone. It had too much hanging over it. But here, I can just have fun. I can relax.It's just better.

So Brandon French and I had a long talk tonight about everything that happened. It's weird. I forgive him for all the shitty things he did to me, finally. But I'm too sure how everything will go over. I don't know, it's just weird.

Okay, why do I always feel that I have more to talk about than I do?

Stupid.

WITHOUT YOU, I'M COMPLETELY LOST...

2007-08-16T16:47:21Z

So. I officially moved most of my stuff up to school on Tuesday. It was boring, but I love my new apartment. It's so much bigger and much more me than Lexington. I'm pretty sure that I am going to have one of the best years up at school this year. :]

The hard part will be Keith so far away. I am being a loser and crying at the drop of a hat when I think about it. I'm trying my best not to, but, it's too hard not to. At least he can calm me down when I start getting all teary-eyed. He's the bestest.

I haven't been on vacation all summer, but next Wednesday, Keith and I are going up to Burt Lake (I think that's what it is?) and spending some time up there with my family. I think it'll be a nice end to the summer. And then on Saturday, we're driving down to Mt. Pleasant to spend the night there. I thought about just coming back on Sunday, but then I thought it would probably be a good idea for him to spend my first night there with me. It might help a little. We shall see.

Okay, I thought I had more to say, but apparently, I am boring today.

LEARNED TO SMILE, EVEN WHEN I WAS FALLIN' DOWN

2007-08-01T17:16:43Z

I love long talks with best friends. It wasn't me who needed those talks, but I felt rejuvenated after them too. I like when people need me, especially my best friends. I like to be reminded that they need me just as much as I need them. Isn't that what makes you best friends anyways?

My birthday is in 5 days. And it doesn't feel like it at all. It's so weird that it's already August and that in a matter of weeks, I'll be back at school, and when that year is over, I will have spent the last 4 years at CMU. God, it doesn't seem like that long. I'm not sure I'm ready for school again. But who wants to sit in class after 3 months of pure freedom? Ick, I hate classes. But at least I should get some good, quality girl time in. That's the upside of it.

Yeah, I thought I had more to say. But apparently..I don't.

I'm Just A Girl, Trying To Find A Place In This World

2007-07-29T18:08:56Z

Why does vicodin always make me want to write? Probably because it makes me think. And that's probably because it gives me a "drunk feeling". Good thing, now, it makes me think positively rather than negatively like I used to. Or maybe it just makes you think to the fullest of your mindset, and mine is no longer negative. At any rate, it makes me think.

I got to see my sisters last weekend. It was nice seeing them two We were kind of, um, wild? At some point Brianne and I decided that we should be skinny dipping, and sorta..stripped Sara down. Ha ha. Other than that, we had good talks. Talking to them always reminds me that I'm not the only one still holding onto us. We might not act like it at all times, but we really are for the most part, those same girls that shared a room and their lives almost 3 years ago. Damn, it doesn't seem like it was that long ago. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday, and other days it seems like it was forever ago. I miss it. Alot.

This summer, I've really realized all the awesome people I have in my life. Besides my sisters, I have Christina. She knows me from the inside out. We've been best friends forever and we will be until forever. I love it. And then there's my best guy friend, Brandon. When I was sad the other night, he drove over just to give me a hug. That made me realize that he really is one of my bestest friends.

And then of course, my loooove, Keith. God, I am so in love with him. I don't know what I would ever do without him. There aren't any words to describe us. Hanson had to right when they said, "You've got to love somebody to know..". Ah I love him!!

And I could go on and on about my neighbors, Jack & Mads and their parents, and of course my family. But I don't think I would give them enough justice for all that they do for me. I don't think I gave, my sisters, best friends, and love of my life enough credit either.

How'd I get so lucky?

Anyways.

I am excited for school. And then I remember that Keith won't be a drive away, and then I get sad. But I am still excited for school to start again. Watch how this changes in September when I've been going to classes. I'll crave summer. But as far as school goes, I am still stuck on what I really want to do. But I have narrowed it down..1) Dental Hygienist 2) Physician's Assistant 3) School Psychologist.

And I have no idea. Keith helps me as much as he can, but I think I talk him to death. I know not many people read this, but if you do..uhh could you tell me what you think? I would love you for forever!

Tied Together With a Smile...

2007-07-12T00:46:22Z

Hmm. I don't know why I have been wanting to write in this. Sometimes I wish writing what I felt in here could be a quick fix for all my problems, like it used to.

Summer is summer. I'm working so much more than I have the past two summers. I babysit so much that I am sure I've spent more time talking to people under the age of 5 than I have with anyone else. I feel like I need to get away. Just for a night. And as good as I think it would be to just go off by myself to watch the sun set on Lake Michigan, I am too much of a chicken. Plus, we all know Art and Roxy..they would never let me do that. Yeah, I am almost 21, and I still listen to mommy and daddy. I mentioned something to Keith about it earlier, and he said he thought it sounded like fun. Hopefully, we actually get to do that. Maybe right before I go back to school. I think that would be something nice for us to do before I have to leave.

School. Yeah. It's weird. I go through periods of missing it so much and then times when I dread going back. I don't know. It's not that I despise CMU. I never could! It's just that what I am pretty sure I want to do with the rest of my life isn't available there. And I am up there for another year since I signed a lease. I'd feel too bad just backing out of it. I really am excited to live with Brianne, Em, and Chelsea, but I just kinda feel like I am wasting time and money. I wish there was someone we all knew who could sublet from me. Maybe at the end of this semester? At least there are classes there that will transfer, I just need to either get bumped into 2 of them, or be OCD that first week of school to see if anyone dropped it. Plus, at the thought of leaving CMU earlier this summer, I began freaking out. So, I guess that tells you how I feel about it all right now.

My brother's graduation party is on Saturday. I am excited for it. Drinking with my family, plus Keith, and then Brianne said her and Trae were probably gonna come, and Sara said she would if she didn't have to work. Oh yeah, and Christina. So, pretty much all my bestests will be there too. I am sure the after-party will be more fun ;]. And then I have Anna's 1st birthday the next day. That should be interesting.

So I turn 21 in a little more than 3 weeks. I am not sure what I am going to do for that. It sucks that it's on a stupid Monday, so I will have to wait a whole week until I can celebrate it for real. I will probably end up going to Tiki-Bobs so that Brianne and Sara can come too. I can't turn 21 and not have those two there with me. We shall see. I hope I can top last year. That was my bestest birthday ever.

I am excited that we are having another sister sleepover in less than 2 weeks! It makes me smile. It's comforting. Yeah, I am a dork. I just miss not seeing my sisters constantly. The other day, I was going through old school CMU stuff and found all the stupid notes and what not we wrote each other freshmen year. A note from Brianne wishing me good luck with A.J., Sara's invitation to our last dinner, and a note Gen wrote about hanging out with Shadoe. Yeah, sentimental me saved all that stuff. It was bittersweet to go through all that stuff. I think if MTV needs a new reality show, they should put all 4 of us in a house as roommates again. I promise it would be entertaining.

Anyways, I suppose I could end on that note. Ciao!

Why I Believe True Love Is Stronger Than ANYTHING & EVERYTHING Else...

2007-06-26T17:18:20Z

I just want you to know..I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new, and the reason is you. I've found a reason to show a side of me, you didn't know. A reason for all that I do, and the reason is you...

(Disclaimer: it might be confusing because not everyone knows the details of what exactly it is that went on. And this is still hard for me to write and face, so it probably jumps all around.)

You know how you hear some people say that they were dead before they met the love of their life? You probably think "Oh God, quit being so dramatic and shut up". That only that stuff happens in sentimental love songs, poem, movies, or books. But I am living proof that that really does happen. Really.

To some that might be surprising. I don't see how. I never thought I was that good at hiding how I felt. My fake smile looks so..well fake. I have a hard time laughing and being carefree when I have so much on my mind. But maybe some didn't want to believe that I was acting. Maybe some people wanted to go on believing that I was the perfectly content. Lies. All lies.

I've had my issues like everyone else in life. My mind and world changed drastically sometime after Christmas of 2004. I had had problems in the past, but they began getting out of control that January. I let those it build and build until it grew into something more than I knew how to handle, so I began to shut down. Literally. I let my personality begin to fade away. It was easier than facing everything inside my mind. Suddenly, I was beginning to let it control my life. Slowly at first, but it soon picked up speed. The snowball effect. Soon it was something more than I felt I could handle. So I didn't want to be me anymore. I just wanted to give up and give into what I had let take over my mind.

How did I let it happen? Why did I let it happen? Why didn't I just stop when I first realized it was dangerous and get help?

Simple. It took over every part of what made me me. It took away everything I had. It became me and I became it.

It all started with the outside of me. I became so depressed about my outward appearance that I took drastic measures to try to “fix” it. See, when you are so disgusted by yourself, you start to believe that that is how everyone else sees you, even the people you believe love you, well until you start thinking that they really don’t love you, but that’s a whole other part of the process. You start to think that this is what you deserve, what you need to do to fix what is on the outside. But then it turned more dangerous. It started to take over the inside. It toys and haunts every thought until it becomes the reason for everything in your life. That’s when I began pushing those I loved as far away as I could. (A bad habit that I am still fighting to get rid of today.) I didn’t want my loved ones to get trapped by it. Soon, there were almost two of me. The real me and the me that it had created in me. The real me was screaming to break free from it. But it was so much strong than me. It always won.

So there I was, more scared, lonely, sadder, most confused and frustrated than I ever had been in my entire life. It all became too much to bear, so I let myself become numb. I didn’t want to feel anything, happy or sad, mad or relaxed. I’d rather feel nothing than take the good with the bad. To me, the good didn’t even exist anymore. When something living doesn’t feel anymore, they are either a vegetable or dead. Which is where I stood. Well until, someone crashed into my world and life, and refused to let me push him away.

Keith.

Keith explained and showed me things in ways that I had never heard before He let me cry, he cried with me. He didn’t walk on egg shells around me. He treated me like it wasn’t even an issue, but he never ignored me when signs of it were trying to burst out. The numerous times I pushed (and still sometimes push), he only held me tighter. When I used it as a crutch, he pushed me away. He gave me tastes of my own medicine. He did everything in his power to earn my trust, and eventually, he won it. He helped me win my battles, and I know that someday, he will help me win my war with it. Keith really did bring me back to life. And there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for sending him into my life. True love really can save you from anything. Trust me.

Very slowly, I started to come back and it began to disappear. I started to feel again. And somehow, I started to love myself. I started to remember what made me me, and I built on it, little and little each day. I think I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. Maybe not every day, but there will be times I will need to squeeze Keith’s hand, or cry in his chest, or scream into a pillow while he rubs my back. And it will suck, big time. But I know that I as long as I have him and his love with me, I will survive anything.

Baby, Everything's Gonna Be Alright..

2007-06-23T17:22:50Z

Yesterday was one of the longest days on entire life! I watched Tess from 8 until 5:30 and then Jack and Mads from 7 until 2:30 at night. Yeah, LONG day. I was exhausted and had bad cramps, and I felt nauseated..but I made it! And I made good money. And they are adorable. I watch Anna Bear tonight. I am so excited!!

My summer classes start on Monday. I sure as hell hope I am making the right decision about all of this. I keep praying that God will give me kind of signal that this is what I am supposed to do. He probably just wants me to make the decision and then laugh at me, He likes to do that. It's cool though. haha. When I was there on Thursday, I felt a little sad. Maybe I'm not as ready to leave CMU as I thought. We'll see.

I am in a good mood today, despite that I feel like I am going to die from pain. Lately, I have been realizing more and more just how blessed I am. I really am. I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. He means the world to me, and I mean the same to him. I love him more and more every day. I have awesome parents who would do anything in the world for me, and who are now becoming more like friends too. But I know that they are my parents first. That's why we still argue. I have the world's greatest twin and little sisters ever and best friends! I might not see them as much as we want to, but I know that they are just a phone call away. I have the best roomies for next year! I love my cousins more than ever and my extended family too. My job is playing with an adorable 3 month old, and then the loves of my life under the age of 5 who make me feel more special than anyone else. I have the greatest neighbors that I love like old family friends. I have school and the fact that my whole life is ahead of me and that I can make anything out of it. I'm healthy. I have my faith in God. Wow, I have almost everything! Sure, I have bad days and I forget it all, but thank God, today is not one of those days. I love these kinds of days.

I love it!!

But I hate cramps more than anything!!!!

It's hard to imagine how I was 2 summers ago. That was the worst. I was in a very scary place then. It's a complete 180 of where I am at right now. I might sound like the queen of corn like I always do, but when you find true, real happiness after being almost dead inside for awhile, you just can't help but thank God for it everyday and gloat about what makes you live each and every day. I should write a long entry about that one day. Maybe once I don't feel drunk from pain meds! haha.

Baby Love, My Baby Love. I Need You, Oh How I Need You...

2007-06-20T01:58:51Z

Now she's two years old and she's my biggest fan. And I'm wrapped around the finger of her little hand. And she believes in me when I just give up. She takes all my worries, and she gives me love. When I put her to sleep at night, I thank God for this little girl in my life...

Okay, I don't know what my deal is today, but when I heard that just now, I teared up. Seriously. Maybe it's because I just spent 4 hours with Jack and Maddy. Or maybe it's because I've had a pretty shitty past couple of 17 hours or so and when I was with them, I forgot about all of it. Especially when I spent 1 1/2 of that cleaning up the red ink that Maddy so graciously spilled all over the beige carpet trying to get out with her constantly trying to help me. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, those two, especially Maddy Girl makes me feel so special. Today, when I walked up she shouted my name and bolted to me. It made me so happy. I know that it might seem like I'm more attached to Maddy, but of course that's not true! I love my little Punk with all my heart too! Maddy is just more attached to me than he is! Ha ha.

I sound like such a corn queen, but they make my day. But honestly, I think back to some of the the most saddest days of my life, and having to forget all of it for a few hours, plaster a smile on my face, and play my heart out while I was with them. It wasn't easy, but it always made me better somehow. Like when Keith and I were having bad problems, I watched them the night after he practically broke my heart (don't worry, he's fixing it). Jack was sick. I put them to bed and was up talking to Lindsey about everything, in tears and he came down and I had to just completely snap out of it and hold him for awhile. It'd hurt to much if they ever saw me cry.

I don't think many people understand just how much those two mean to me. As weird as this sounds, they are like my best friends under 5 feet. It melts my heart when I put them to bed and say "Love You!" and they say it back. Maddy will always give me loves (a kiss). You can ask anyone how I say how much I miss them when I don't see them for awhile. They make me so excited to have kids one day. Seriously. Big time excitement. I knew from the first time I watched them when they were just 3 months and 2 that I would fall for them. And I was right, I fell head over heals! lol

God, I'm such a dork.

You'll Always Be a Part of Me...

2007-06-07T04:57:48Z

Every now and then, we find a special friend who never lets down. Who understands it all, reaches out each time we fall...I'll make a wish for you, and hope it will come true. That life will just be kind to such a gentle mind...

When you're so happy with your future, why is it that when a piece of your past drops in, you sometimes feel empty? Almost homesick for it. It's not even that you want the same relationships with the people of your past, but you love/ed them so much that you cannot picture your future without them in it. No matter how little the role is.

I missed a call from Andrew Jason last night, and since I was spending time with Keith, I decided not to call him back. Today, I got a message from him teasingly harrassing me for not answering. In which I responded I would call him back tonight, and I did. He didn't answer and I forgot about it. Funny when you think where I was 3 years ago. Ha. He called me back and we had a nice half hour chat. Some of it was like it had always been, and other parts were something completely new to me.

It's true that I still miss him from time to time. I miss his friendship more than anything. I think of him sometimes and wonder how he is doing. He's still in all my prayers. He is truely one of my best friends. He always will be a very important person in my life. All I can do is laugh when I think about how much of a crush I had on him. Okay, maybe not just a crush..the puppy love kind of stuff. And then I look at us now, and he more of a big brother figure than anything.

We as a "we" would never work out. We've both grown up into two diffrent directions. I am completely and utterly in love with Keith, not A.J. like I always thought I would end up. That seems so wrong to me now. lol I could never picture A.J. like that anymore. I begged God every night to just let me be with A.J. and then when I finally got him back, all I wanted was Keith. God has a fantastic sense of humor. I guess God really knows what He's doing up there. I love listening to "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. It's so very bittersweet and fitting. With anything and everything he does, I hope he is truely happy.

"I need you. I don't know why, but every now and then in my life, for no reason at all, I need you..."

You've Got the Love I Need to See Me Through..

2007-06-03T17:39:25Z

These are my people. This is where I come from. We're givin this life everything we've got and then some. It ain't always pretty, but it's real. It's the way we were made, wouldn't have it any other way. Wouldn't have it any other way, but these are my people...

I FINALLY got to see my sisters on Friday!! God, I was so excited and happy to see them! Brianne got lost coming to my house haha. My dad had to help her find her way, but she made it and that's all that matters. First we made our champange drinks and then headed to the pool where we just talked about everything we always talk about. We waited patiently for Miss Sara Bara to get there. We killed that bottle of champagne and we felt nothing. So we decided to call Brandon up to see if there was any other way he could come get us our alcohol early, and there wasn't so we pouted for about 15 minutes and then decided to stalk people online and wait for Sara more. FINALLY she got there, and Brandon called back and it was off to Meijer's with him to get our stock.

He thought we were already drunk, little does he know. I think he was highly entertained with the three of us together. We decided on 2 5ths of Captain. Mmm the Captain. He is always good to us, no hang overs. Then it was back to my house to start our sister party! We did it old school style, pouring each othe's shots and then everyone taking turns dedicating shots. Then it finally kicked in and we started the usually drunk talking about what bugged us, then babies, then boys, and then of course, SEX. It always comes down to sex. Right Sara Bara?

Then we went drunk swimming. HA! Oh my, that was a blast. Brianne and I always wanted to try it out, and it was definately everything I imagined it to be. We played Titanic. lol yeah, we played Titanic. Brianne and I were of course Jack and Rose and Sara was the lifeboat people since she was ignoring us anyways lol. After awhile, Brianne called Brandon because she wanted cigerettes and I wouldn't let her walk down the street to the store. Duh. Brandon came and since he had been so nice to us, we let him in on our sister party. We continued to talk about sex, and Sara gave him a 15 minute lecture on how everything with us always goes back to sex. lol It was hilarious. Sara also gave Brianne and me heart attacks.

Brandon left around 2ish since he had to work the next morning, and we all went in where Brianne and I feasted on late night chicken and cole slaw. Then we went up to my room where all 3 of us piled in my bed and passed out. Very Wheeler 612 of us. It reminded me of nights on the futon. The next morning we went to Big Boy for lunch (thank God for the Ranch!) and then it was time for bestest friends/sisters to go home :[. But we will have more of these! I had so much fun and it made me realize how much I will always need them, no matter what.

I start my job tomorrow and my nervousness has turned into excitement! I am so excited for it right now! I have a feeling these kids are going to teach me alot and I'm going tto have tons of fun along with alot of hard work. Good combo.

And I fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaly get to see Mr. Keith Silage today! THANK GOD!! I have missed my baby soooo much this week! I can't wait to be in his arms. Yes, I don't care how mushy I am being. I just cannot wait!!!

You find out who your friends are..They never stop to think what's in it for me or that's way to far, they just show on up with their big ol' heart..

My Love Is There Wherever You May Be..

2007-05-30T03:34:45Z

So Keith is back up in Mt. Pleasant until Saturday for Special Olympics. He just left this morning, and I'm already crying because I miss him so much. (Yes, am a corny cliche romantic). I am not needy! I just miss him whenever he isn't with me. It's even worse when I know he's 300 miles away. Oh God, this next year at school will be intresting! I miss my Bug. :[ He was a sweetheart and stopped by my house earlier before I left knowing I wouldn't be there, but wrote me the most adorable and sweet note. Yeah, call me a loser cause I'm sleeping with it next to me.

I think a big part of why I need him so much is because I am having some medical problems. I don't want to go into much detail because, honestly, everyone in the world or no one could be reading this. Either way, I don't feel like spilling my secrets for the whole cyber world to read. It just feels better when he is here holding my hand, kissing my forehead, and promising me that everything will be alright. I really am terrified about everything going on with that right now. I wish I could just fast forward to the outcome of all of it so that I could prepare myself. I can't just take things as I come, I always feel like I need to plan. I need to quit doing that. I'll put it on my list of things to learn.

Now for good news. Brianne and Sara are coming over Friday night for our Sister's Party/night and I am beyond excited. Yeah, after all this time and life, I still need them. I'll always need all my sisters in my life. I hope they feel the same way. We are going to get our drink on and probably remines about the good old days. Oh and then Brianne and I will probably get in a huge discussion about our future children like we always do when we are intoxicated. It's all in good fun.

What else...I start my new job on the 4th. I am pretty freaking excited, considering I will be getting a grand a week. I think that's more money that I have ever made in my entire life. haha. Good. I need money. I need to save money. For something. I haven't figured out what yet.

I still miss Bug :[

And I could never let you go, after all that you've been to me..

2007-05-23T20:53:00Z

The other night when I was watching Jack and Maddy, I put Maddy down for bed and I told her I love you like I always do when I tuck her in, and I gave her a kiss. For the first time, she said "I love you too Na-Na" back, and it melted my heart. I know, I'm cheesy, but still it made me gush. I've been taking care of her since she was 2 months old, and now she's almost 2 1/2. She's still my baby, I think she always will be! I cannot wait until I get married and she's my flower girl (hopefully she will still be young enough then or I will shoot myself!). I know that this is nothing big to everyone else, but it made my day and it's my journal, so ha.

What else..um. I have been in an extra loving Hanson mood lately. I don't know what it is about summer, but every summer all I want to do is go back to the days when Christina and I were 11or 12 years old and blared Hanson music as loud as we could while we swam in my pool and dreamt about marrying Taylor and Zac. We'd stay up late watching Tulsa, Tokyo, and The Middle of Nowhere over and over again. Blare Mmmbop and dance around in my room in our underwear and training bras, hahaha. We were such nerds, but we had so much fun. Ah, I miss those days.

What else do I feel like being random about..

Well, I went to Baker on Monday to talk about transferring. I was all for it, and believe me, I still kinda am. But when I got there, I could not picture myself actually leaving CMU. I know that I still have a year up there, but it felt so odd being at another college. I love Central and everything I have up there, don't get me wrong, but CMU just doesn't have anything I am interested in spending the rest of my life doing. It sort of feels like I grew up and out of Central. Who knows, maybe by the end of the summer, I will find something there at CMU, but I doubt it.

Okay, I was all in the mood to write, but now, it's gone. Ignore the randomness or this entry all together.

Don't Misunderstand how I feel, Cause I Tried..Oh, I Tried..

2007-05-07T17:20:00Z

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small. I've been drawing the line, and watching it fall. You've been closing me in, closing the space in my heart. Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart..

Tinsel town wants us to believe that the only "real, true blue" female friendships always happen in quads. Rose, Blanche, Sophia, and Dorothy. Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha. Lena, Carmen, Bridget, and Tibby. Krissy, Roberta, Teeny, and Sam. You see what I mean? But why? I've been in that group. I've been there before, and even though you swear up and down that you will last like they did, life is never a movie. Or a book. Or a T.V. show. After all, in those, life and all of it's complications and problems are summed up with chapters, hours, or minutes. Life is much more real that that. Life is an everlasting, on-going problem. Sometimes you get breaks, but most of the time, it's just hard work.

You pulled me under, I had to give in...
Why am I writing this? I don't know. I guess it's because I have been somewhat silent about the whole "mess" I have been in with my group of friends since last..what? December. Wow, December 2005. It seems like forever ago. Yes, there were problems before then. But I can't decide if it was that we were too afraid to lose each other or just wanting to prove everyone else wrong, that we never addressed those problems. Either way, all we were doing was setting ourselves up for failure. What we had, when we actually had it was everything I had ever looked for. Everything. Everybody knew what they meant to me. Every one. I was utterly and completely in love with my "sisters". I dropped anything and everything to be with them, and stupidly, I expected the sane in return. Sure, there were times that it happened. But that was only after some felt as if they had lost everything.

Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin..
I was okay up until last summer. Summer of 2006. August 2006. I've been asked so many times after all the shit I went through what was the point when I first wanted to give up. The day before my 20th birthday. I invited all of my best friends to come out with me, all of them did, except one. The one that swore would do anything for me. The excuses seemed weak. I knew the real reason. I still know the real reason. I think back to that night, how loved I felt, how it felt so good to be around people who cared enough to be there. That feeling was so good, that I wanted it forever. Those were my true friends, and I will never ever forget that night. I just want to make it better this year! ;] ha.

But I hide all the bruises. I'll hide all the damage that's done..
I didn't want to move back to school at all. And I mean at all. I dreaded it. I almost broke my lease. I wasn't ready to go back and face my feelings. I knew how this year would turn out and of course I hated it just as much as her. But I wasn't about to try to fix things anymore. I feel like I was always the one trying to fix everything that ever happened. I still feel like I was the rock and I was ready to pass that title onto someone else. So I immersed myself in what I knew I could count on. School, Keith, and Brianne. I I didn't want to face anything that had to deal with 612 ending. Maybe I should of, but I wasn't strong enough for that. And with how things went this year, we will never be the 612 girls that we once were. It was never just one of our faults. It was a series of things. Sure, in the movies, they always come back to each other. And every once in awhile, I wonder if that will happen with us. I don't hope, wish, or predict that it will. I just wonder. That's all I have left for 612 right now.

But I'll show all the feeling until the feeling is gone..
Brianne asked me about my tattoo awhile ago. If I felt stupid for having it. To be honest, I hated that tattoo for awhile. I was pissed that I forever marked myself for something that I was so angry at. But I realized what that tattoo means to me now. It's for 612. For everything that I learned there. For all the times I swore I would never survive this. It reminds me that I can love people who are completely different than me. That I am strong enough to throw myself into a situation that I know nothing about and come out on top. That I will never forget what happened to all of us during that time, and that even if it's gone now, there was a time there was something special between all of us that no one could touch. And now that blank ink heart makes me smile. It's my survivor mark, as corny as that is. There will be times in the future that I'll wonder if I can ever make it through, and that little heart will in its own way let me know that everything will always be okay.

Well I can't explain why it's not enough cause I gave it all to you. And if you leave me now, just leave me now. It's the better thing to do. It's time to surrender. It's been too long pretending. There's no use in trying when the pieces don't fit anymore...
Someone asked me that other day if I regretted any of it and if I could, would I do it all again. I laughed and shrugged. And then later at night while I was trying to sleep, I quickly skimmed over everything that had happened to me in the past 2 and 1/2 years. It played in my head like a movie trailer with no sound. When it was done, I found myself smiling. That answers the question. No, you can never regret anything that once made you smile. That once made you alive. And would I ever go back and do it again? Abso-fucking-lutely.

The Rest Is Still Unwritten..

2007-03-20T14:28:01Z

No one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken . Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten..

It amazing how my life mirrors The Hills. If you would ever like to know what I'm dealing with daily, please, watch The Hills. And watch Lauren, that's who I feel like. Minus the Brody guy cause I already have my love <33.

Brianne and I had our own little party last Thursday. It was refreshing. We had a long talk about everything that was going on, and we both realized that we would be just fine. Completely fine. I guess I kinda already knew it was coming last year when everything started. Some friendships just aren't meant to be like relationships. I won't close the book forever on it, but at the rate everything is going, I mine as well lock it up and throw away the key.

For now, I am completely content on where I am.

Christina is comin up this weekend and I am beyond excited! Keith's having his friend Alex come up as well, and Trae will probably come up, so hopefully we (and whoever else wants to come or we meet up with) can all go out and party like rock stars. That's hot.

I just need more weekends with my best friends. Ones I know would never sell me out to please someone else. Ones I know I could call at 4 a.m. and would bitch about calling that late, but listen anyways. Ones who don't judge me for what I do or where I go. Ones who make fun of me when I screw up, but know when to stop. Ones who tell me I'm a douche bag, but laugh at my jokes anyway. Ones who push me to be better, not worse. Ones who I know know what "best friend" means.

Then You Stand..

2007-03-19T00:47:12Z

Every time you get up and get back in the race, one more piece of you falls into place. Cause when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You may bend till you break cause it's all you can take. On your knees, you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad, you get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off. Then you stand...

I used to set my mood before I wrote my entries, but then I realized that whatever comes out into this posts usually determines my moods.

Yes, I realize that was pointless.

I'm so so sick and tired of ungrateful people. I was thinking back to all I have done for some people. All the effort, time, and sacrifices because of them, and then I thought of where I am now with them. Some of those have given back just as much, but others..geez, what a fucking waste! I wish I would have realized a lot sooner just how much time I was wasting. I hesitate using wasting, because after all, had I not had that time with those people, I wouldn't be who I am today. But still. It just pisses me the fuck off.

Today, I couldn't help but think of how much I like myself and my life now. Okay, scratch that, LOVE myself and my life right now. I feel so blessed. I have awesome parents, amazing extended family, the bestest friends anyone could have ever asked for, especially my three best girls. And not to mention, I have the sweetest and most wonderful boyfriend ever. I'm in school continuing my education with no student loans to pay back in some number of years. I have the strongest faith in God that I know of. Hmm. My life really is amazing. And the more amazing thing about that is that, I have so much more of it ahead of me.

Sure, I know there will be more disappointment, heart break, tears, anger, battles, and frustration. But I also know that after all that, I'll realized again how amazing my life is, and I know I'll be okay. I have to be. What's the alternative?

It's taken forever for me to get here though. I think everyone comes to this point and they think to themselves "why couldn't I of realized this sooner?". I think it's because everyone needs to experience life before they can fall in love with anyone, especially themselves.

I'm telling you when you start to realize all the true people in your life and give up on those who never cared in the first place, life is a lot more worth living. Trust me.

See what I mean about not setting my mood until I was done writing? I was pissed when I started and know, I am so thankful and content!

I've Captured By The View Of So Much Beauty..I'm Free, Finnaly

2007-03-15T15:25:32Z

Alright, well I've told myself time and time again to just give up this thing, but it's been a part of me for the past three years. It has my past, and while I don't feel the need to write down everything I feel, I'd still like in the future when I'm bored, to look back on this time now. It'll be fun.

Anyways, I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say this again, but it's amazing how different your life can be in a year. At any second, your life can change forever. Now, I haven't had some life altering event happen recently, but there have certainly been some surprising eye openers this year. One being finding out who my true best friend and friends are. If you would have asked me this last year, my answers would have been totally different. I wish I would of found out sooner, but sometimes you need all that time to finally realize the truth. And sometimes you need to listen to people when they tell you that you're wrong.

I'm just happy that now I know who my real, true best friends are. I'm happy that I can just fall into that safety net whenever I need it. It's an amazing feeling. Yay for bestest friends!!

And for being in real true love! It's taken me forever to get here. Too long as a matter of fact. My stupid disease wouldn't let me see that someone could truly love me. Now, I do. Although sometimes, I have to work a little harder to believe it, but I'm doing my best. True love really can fix anything at all, trust me. You can be the most lost person in the entire world, and if you can find that someone to pull you back, and make you be you again, well then, that's just fabulous. And true love will do that, if you can learn to let it.

I love these days, days I remember how truly amazing my life and the people who are in it are. It makes me realize that all the drama isn't worth my time. That if someone really wanted to be your friend, they would, and that sometimes it's best to just walk away. I did, and I'm happier than ever!

Whenever You Remember

2007-02-20T23:57:14Z

When I was young I knew everything
And she a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbin' with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice, no...

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember,
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins .
We were merely freshmen.

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbin' with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember,
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins .
We were merely freshmen.

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbin' with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember,
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins.
We were merely freshmen.

For the life of me I cannot remember,
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins .
We were merely freshmen.

We were merely freshmen.
We were merely freshmen.
We were only freshmen.

Tellin Me How I'm Such a Fool...

2007-01-16T02:52:07Z

Since I'm not your everything, how about I'm your nothing? Talking about how I'll never find anyone else like you. You must not know about me, I could have another you in a minute.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo this past week was hell. I hated it. It was testing. Really testing. I won't go into details because it's not the entire cyber worlds' business.

Anyways.

It again opened my eyes to who would always be there for me. and who wouldn't And who meant it. Not just for saying they would, but by actually doing. Actions will always mean more to me than words.

Like sitting on a couch with me when we weren't talking to keep me from giving into my damn addiction.

I have awesome relationships with two of the most important people in my life, but the rest are practically dead. Is it supposed to be that way? If it's not, show me that you need me as much as I need you.

I'm done with guessing. I'm done with wondering. I'm done with games, and begging, and thinking that things will always work out. I'm sick of thinking that there is something there when there is nothing. Relationships need to be now. They don't exsist without now. And they won't exsist in the future either without now. They can't without perseverance. They need work. They need to be in the good and the bad, not just one or the other. They need substance. They can't just be memories or wishes. They need to be now. Just because there was any sort of relationship in the past doesn't mean that there will always been one in the future if there isn't one in the now. Past and future don't mean anything compared to now.

This is the beginning of me weeding out all those replaceable people in my life. Show me your irreplacable.

Maybe I Should Be a Fashion Major

2007-01-06T18:24:48Z

And so Christmas Break 06-07 is practically over. How was it? Nice.

I spent so much time with my baby loves. Almost everyday with Keith. I spent a lot of time relaxing. I had fun, and to be honest, i don't want school to start back up, and I kinda want to stay home. But what can I do? Nothing.

I hate 8 a.m. classes, but at least it's with Brianne. I still need to buy a travel coffee mug because mucho cafe will be needed to get me through this bitch class. Why in the hell did they have to make the HARDEST classes in my major at 8 in the freaking morning? Because they are assholes, that's why!

Watching this movie makes me want to major in Journalism or Fashion Design. I think I would be good, I really do. But I'll stick with Communication Disorders.

You know what I miss that is completely surprising that I do?

Snow. I miss the snow.

How Do You Measure a Year?

2006-12-27T06:02:52Z

January:

Made the first move for once, on New Year's Day (well at like 3 in the A.M.), just planted a kiss on Brandon, not caring what he thought or would do.
Went to Canada for the second time in my life ever, but this time with Brianne, Emily, Russ, Ryan, and Jay. Ending up kissing Jay all night, and then having a short fling with him later.
That fling died as fast as it started.
Sara came up and stayed with us for an entire week!
Matt was also up from Tennessee and he and James almost got in a fist fight.
We went to Matt's dad's where we saw the infamous twins, Brianne was tipsy off a swig of Moonshine.
Matt's dad tried to make us all take one and I kept saying no, and Matt Jensen called me the "Mama bear" of the group since I was so protective.
Brianne, Sara, and I partied it up with Matt and Billiam!
Keith somehow found me and started IMing me, but I kept turning him down.
Brianne and I seemed to get drunk alot together since Gen was always with Nolan.
We started the scrambled eeeegggs joke.
Brianne and I drunk called him two nights later at her friend's party after many Jell-O shots and her friend Matt proclaiming to people about how her and I finished 5ths by ourselves.
Keith finally came to our dorm and I freaked out before he did to Brianne and called Gen and made her come home.
When she walked in, he was giving me a massage and the first thing she ever said to him was, "She's a brat, isnt she?"
Went to Lil Chef that night with Gen and Keith.
Hung out with Keith the next night, watched Lion King, and he tried to get in my pants.
Definately didn't work.

February:

Began dating Keith, but I wasn't sure I liked him.
Did it mostly because Brianne and Gen said he was so good for me.
A.J. asked me out, and I was a bitch who dumped Keith for Andrew Jason.
Went to my dad's retirement party with Brianne and Gen, and we kept saying how our lives were perfect now cause we had everything we ever wanted. I remember feeling right then that something was wrong.
Got back to school, and Keith wanted to talk and I cried the whole time. He didn't.
I cried to Gen and Brianne about hurting him too. Brianne gave me the "I told you so look".
Hung out with Keith for the whole week A.J. and I dated, and I didn't see A.J. once.
Keith wrote a poem about me.
I knew I wanted him back, but didn't know how to give up A.J. after 6 years.
Had the RENT party, which was a blast! I was Mimi.
Then we got caught with alcohol AGAIN during it.
Kissed Keith, and I broke up with A.J. the next day.
Got back together with Keith that night.
Yeah, I was a dating fien then.

March:

Was extremely happy with my life in the beginning.
Almost lost Sara because we all missed her so much and took it out on her.
Lots of built of emotion came out of all of us.
Lauren's St. Patrick's Day Party = More Drama than I EVER need again!!
More tension with Brianne again.
I was sick of it, but I didn't swallow my pride.
Started to get better, and ate ice cream for the first time in forever.
Met Keith's family for the first time.

April:

Hiding my pain in my happiness with Keith.
Missed my best friends terribly, but spent most of my time with Keith.
I do not remember much from April!
Oh yeah, went to a PEK formal with Keith.

May:

Last day of sophomore year.
Went out to dinner with Gen and Brianne randomly on the last night Brianne was there to Lil Chef. Oh yeah at 1:30 in the morning.
Then we talked for 2 hours in Wheeler 6th floor study.
Cried just as hard when Brianne left despite all of our drama that school year.
Cried more in Brianne's bed after Gen went to her final.
Got drunk with Gen that night..WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY too drunk.
Went to Keith's brother's wedding and had a blast.
And babysit Jack and Maddy the next day with the worst hang over ever!
Helped Lindsey move into her new apartment.
Decided to get help.

June:

Oh damn, nothing huge happened!
I went to Canada with Sara and Keith!!
Tried to get Sara to talk to every guy we saw.
Oh yeah, and I finally got kissed in the pooring rain. :]

July:

Went to Paradise with Keith.
Almost died there with Lindsey and Keith.
Didn't have the best time, and realized that it would probably be my last year going there.
Spent most of my days with Keith.

August:

Dropped out of therapy. Ha!
Had the BEST FREAKING BIRTHDAY EVER with all my bestest friends.
Got Mozart :]
Moved back to school
Got in MAJOR trouble with the help of my sidekick Keith.

September:

Had to give Mozart back :'[
Had a sleepover with Brit and Brianne!
Just went on in my life with school.
Nothing amazing.

October:

Went to the SAC every other day.
Celebrated Keith's birthday with him.
Had sister night every week.
Brianne turned 20, and I was there at midnight.
Went to her white trash party later that night.
Sara Bara turned 20, too!
Charolette from Sex and the City for a Halloween party along with Gen, Brianne, and Emily.
Halloween with Brianne, Keith, Emily, and Aaron.

November:

Um, was stressed out with school.
Tried resigning my major, which the damn professor never let me do!
My mom had a knee replacement and had to end up back in the hospital.
Ashley finally came to visit.
Took Keith to the hospital when he broke his ankle.
Keith had surgery on it and had to stay an extra couple of days, and I visited him each day.
Thanksgiving happened.
Gen turned 21.

December:

Did lots of driving because Keith can't.
Did well on finals.
Signed a lease for next year in Jamestown with Brianne and Emily.
Came home for break.
Tons of shopping and babysitting.
First Christmas with Keith.
Planning on New Years with Christina, Shawn, Keith, and hopefully Brianne and Trae will come. Maybe Sara Bara?

Oh what a year..bring on 2007, already!!

Last Night in a Dance From Long Ago..

2006-12-24T07:08:08Z

Last night, in a dream I've had before,
Oh, I heard your voice callin me like from a distant shore.
And last night, like a ship lost on the sea, a single light
Is shining there to light the way for me.
And if the winds fade, blow our ships off course someday,
No matter where we stray, I know you'll find your way.
I'll always come back to you.
For once in your life a promise will come true,
I'll always come back to you.
When you're feelin all alone, a million miles from home,
And the dark of night is closing in on you.
For once in your life a promise will come true,
I'll always come back to you.

I love how I always seem to remember long time forgotten songs right before a situation happens in which the song describes it perfectly. Kinda like a sign, or something.

I knew that we would be best friends forever, even with all that we have been through together. We are like Lucy and Ethel, Laverne and Shirly, Thelma and Louise, one of those classic friendships. We need each other just as much as we did when we were little. Not that I needed last night to prove it, I've always known it. Even if I hardly do talk to her, I know that we are always close, and that's definately comforting. Nothing like having that. Nothing.

But You've Got the Love I Need to See Me Through..

2006-12-21T18:55:28Z

Break has been good, not like the past years where I am counting down the days to go back to school.

I've been talking to Sara almost everyday, well night, and it makes me happy that she still needs me as much as I need her. I'm still as protective of her as I always have been, and probably always will. I hope what she is going through works out in her favor. I know it would make her really happy. I wish I could see her more often. It would make me smiiiille. I miss her, like alot. I saw Bri Bri. I surprised her at work. We only hung out for about an hour or so since our feet were killing us, and Lakeside apparently has nothing for Keith in it. I have seen a lot of my friends..okay, four including Emily, plus Keith over break and it makes me happy.

I wish I could relive my birthday this year, that was honestly the best night of my life, well so far. I know that that is random, since my birthday was 4 months ago, but I never wrote about it. So here I am now, I've never felt more loved and secure. Best night with my bestest friends. It meant so much to me to have all those people there. I swear it could of been a scene in a movie. If I ever make a movie about myself, that will definately be in it. And I will steal "You've Got the Love" from Sex and the City to have it played there. Because it's the only song that fits.

Getting ready to go was fun, all the girls upstairs getting ready and the boys downstairs. All of us pre-drinking in Keith's basement and Keith making all the girls take a shot of ~~Jack Daniel~~'s., but it was more like us choking it down. Brianne and I of course had to do a shot of Captain's and what is a shot of Captain's without the pose? Brianne begging Keith to let her bring her Sparks in the car. Sara yelling at Keith for calling her the 7th wheel.

Okay, so I was intoxicated and in the wonderful Windsor, but still, I see little flashbacks all the time, and it honestly reminds me of a movie. I remember talking to Christina for the longest time about how we would always be best friends even if it didn't seem like it, and watching her trip back to the table with another drink. She was so happy to just be out and act young again. We talked about Ryan for who knows how long. I remember Sara and Brianne talking and hugging and being themselves around each other again. Oh yeah, and we had a sister shoot. And we swore Keith, Shawn, Christina, and Trae into our family! I totally forgot about that. I remember talking to Lindsey and Allyson and being so surprised that Allyson was there. What else..oh yes, talking to Nikki and Brandon about who knows what. And then hugging everyone at midnight for my birthday, and of course kissing Keith. Trae and the rose he bought me. Shawn telling me 800 times that I found a good one and to marry Keith. Shawn and Keith giving me birthday spankings. Smoking outside about 34597 billion times. All the couples on Bentley's dance floor. Where was Sara then? lol..Probably getting another drink, that lush. Mmm, the long island iced teas and the shots of tequila? Why did I feel the need to do telquila?

Thinking about nights like that always give me an instant mood lift, and reminds me to love life.

Oh yes, that was definately the best night of 2006. I can't wait to see what 2007 brings!

To Be Real...

2006-12-19T18:01:31Z

But I wanna go home. Maybe I'm surrounded by a million people, but I wanna go home. I'm lucky I know, but I wanna go home...
So, I'm home untl Jaunary 7th. Nice. I didn't really like coming home all that much until this year, but everybody already knows that. Sometimes I wish that I still wanted to be and only be at school, but that's not the case anymore. Oh well, what can you do? The thing I really miss is sleeping next to Keith, even if his sleep apnea drives me crazy. It just feels good to be home.

Burn the past and feel heat of the future...
Next semester plans to be a bitch. 8 a.m. classes every Monday and Wednesday, and then because CMU is a bitch, one of my classes, mind you the one I REALLY need to take, got changed to Thursday nights until 9:30. And I'll miss Keith's roommate Chris since he graduted! :[ But what can I do? Nothing. I have actually began considering switching a freaking gain. Maybe nursing? But I would still stay up there for at least next year since I signed my lease, and I don't want to leave just yet! MMCC (the community college) up there has nursing, so it all works out. I just have to decide before classes start this semester, so it's going to be difficult. One day I want to stay in Speech therapy and then the next I want to be a nurse. So far, I have one Speech Therapy and three nurse votes. I still need to talk to Bri Bri and get her opinion. She'll probably want me to stay in CDO, which on today, I don't want to. But yesterday I did! I'll never decide.

In the sunlight or the rain, brightest nights or darkest days, I'll always feel the same way. Just remember that you'll always be my babies... I
I babysat my baby loves on Saturday, and I fell in love again. They always make me happy. They have never hurt me or let me down, they just make me smile more than ever when I am with them. But that's what babies do. I can't wait until I'm married and have babies. That's all I have ever wanted since I was little. Someday, someday.

Don't you know that all the fairytales tell a lie? Real love and real life isn't perfect. Maybe every little piece of the puzzle doesn't fit perfectly. Love can be rough around the edges, tearin at the seams. Honey, if it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me...
Keith and I are doing really well. We still have little tiffs here and there. We are still in love, and I couldn't be happier. This is our first Christmas together, and I want it to be a good one. I have been walking endlessly at every store looking for the best gift, and I see nothing. I have one thing, ONE thing for him! *big sigh* I don't know what to get him. I wish I did. Oh well, he should love anything I give him! Not that I would ever dare get him a big fluffy teddy bear that says something like "Honeybear" on it. But anyways, besides gifts, everything with him is falling into place and I just love it. Okay enough of the cheesy stuff.

Okay, I guess that is a big enough update. Ciao!

I Don't Understand How You Can Smile With All Those Tears in Your Eyes...

2006-12-11T02:47:14Z

I close my eyes when I get too sad. Close my eyes and count to ten, hope it's over when I open them. I wish I could count to ten and make everything be wonderful again...

I still miss something, and while i haven't totally figured out what it is yet, I'm still working on it. I kind of feel like the elderly Allie in the Notebook, when Noah is away and she just sits there, staring off, missing something or someone, but she can't figure out who or what. I want it to be my sisters, but I don't know if it is. It probably is. Things with them are so unbelievably confusing. I don't know how to handle it any more. So I shut it out and ignore it. When it does come up, I'm angry. Why am I so angry? Why can't I just do and say what I feel? Why am I disappearing from all of the Wheeler 612 ness? Maybe it's easier to just seperate myself from it then feel everything that I kept hidden away. It's too precious to let it be damanged. I wish Sara could come up, somehow when she's here, she brings us back to life and reminds us what we had a long time ago and maybe what we're losing. Sara, will you come glue us back together soon?

I close my eyes when I go to bed and I dream of what makes me smile. I tell everyone that it's all okay. I laugh a lot so my friends won't know. I go to my room and I close my eyes, make believe that I don't miss that life...

Lotsa of times, I can feel it all ending. That's probably why I close it all in. I don't want to face it. I pretend that we are just in fights or that there's tension because then at least we all still have a connection. At least something between us effects us somehow. I wear that damn white bracelet everyday and when I feel like I'm worthless or if I'm nervous or alone, I notice that I'm touching it. Weird? Maybe. The truth is that I miss what it meant and I always wonder if it still means the world to them too. Are we all just growing up, getting lost in our new lives, and forgetting what brought us here in the first place? Sometimes, I feel myself letting go and then little hints of that feeling come back and I realize that my life will never be free of them, nor do I want it to be. I pray they don't either.

I don't wanna start over again. I just want my life to the be same, just like it used to be. Some days, I hate everything. Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now..

I'm scared what will happen next year. It seems like as time goes by, things change drastically. And as much as I don't like this or change, I don't know how to fix or stop it. I udes to think that I could fix anything that ever went wrong with us, but I can't. Some one else take this one. If I failed and lost it, I would never be able to live with myself.

Promises mean everything when you're little and the world's so big...

All of This is More Than I've Ever Known or Seen..

2006-12-08T18:28:06Z

Something’s in the air tonight. The sky's alive with a burning light. You can mark my words something's about to break. And I found myself in a bitter fight while I held your hand through the darkest night. Don't know where your coming from but your coming soon..

Seriously.

It's almost the end.

It's so close.