So here I am, back at good ol' CMU.

Yep.

Keith and I came up on Saturday night and he spent the night here both Saturday and Sunday nights. And when he left on Monday morning, I felt like someone was ripping my heart out and doing the Mexican hat dance on it. I cry so hard that I crawled back into bed and just sobbed. I felt like I was going to lose it all day. That night, I bawled to him. I basically cried myself to sleep. I haven't cried since, but I still get teary every now and then. It's HARD. Very HARD.

I love my apartment though and my roomies. It feels so much better than Lexington did. Lexington felt like I lived alone. It had too much hanging over it. But here, I can just have fun. I can relax.It's just better.

So Brandon French and I had a long talk tonight about everything that happened. It's weird. I forgive him for all the shitty things he did to me, finally. But I'm too sure how everything will go over. I don't know, it's just weird.

Okay, why do I always feel that I have more to talk about than I do?

Stupid.

So. I officially moved most of my stuff up to school on Tuesday. It was boring, but I love my new apartment. It's so much bigger and much more me than Lexington. I'm pretty sure that I am going to have one of the best years up at school this year. :]

The hard part will be Keith so far away. I am being a loser and crying at the drop of a hat when I think about it. I'm trying my best not to, but, it's too hard not to. At least he can calm me down when I start getting all teary-eyed. He's the bestest.

I haven't been on vacation all summer, but next Wednesday, Keith and I are going up to Burt Lake (I think that's what it is?) and spending some time up there with my family. I think it'll be a nice end to the summer. And then on Saturday, we're driving down to Mt. Pleasant to spend the night there. I thought about just coming back on Sunday, but then I thought it would probably be a good idea for him to spend my first night there with me. It might help a little. We shall see.

Okay, I thought I had more to say, but apparently, I am boring today.

I love long talks with best friends. It wasn't me who needed those talks, but I felt rejuvenated after them too. I like when people need me, especially my best friends. I like to be reminded that they need me just as much as I need them. Isn't that what makes you best friends anyways?

My birthday is in 5 days. And it doesn't feel like it at all. It's so weird that it's already August and that in a matter of weeks, I'll be back at school, and when that year is over, I will have spent the last 4 years at CMU. God, it doesn't seem like that long. I'm not sure I'm ready for school again. But who wants to sit in class after 3 months of pure freedom? Ick, I hate classes. But at least I should get some good, quality girl time in. That's the upside of it.

Yeah, I thought I had more to say. But apparently..I don't.

Why does vicodin always make me want to write? Probably because it makes me think. And that's probably because it gives me a "drunk feeling". Good thing, now, it makes me think positively rather than negatively like I used to. Or maybe it just makes you think to the fullest of your mindset, and mine is no longer negative. At any rate, it makes me think.

I got to see my sisters last weekend. It was nice seeing them two We were kind of, um, wild? At some point Brianne and I decided that we should be skinny dipping, and sorta..stripped Sara down. Ha ha. Other than that, we had good talks. Talking to them always reminds me that I'm not the only one still holding onto us. We might not act like it at all times, but we really are for the most part, those same girls that shared a room and their lives almost 3 years ago. Damn, it doesn't seem like it was that long ago. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday, and other days it seems like it was forever ago. I miss it. Alot.

This summer, I've really realized all the awesome people I have in my life. Besides my sisters, I have Christina. She knows me from the inside out. We've been best friends forever and we will be until forever. I love it. And then there's my best guy friend, Brandon. When I was sad the other night, he drove over just to give me a hug. That made me realize that he really is one of my bestest friends.

And then of course, my loooove, Keith. God, I am so in love with him. I don't know what I would ever do without him. There aren't any words to describe us. Hanson had to right when they said, "You've got to love somebody to know..". Ah I love him!!

And I could go on and on about my neighbors, Jack & Mads and their parents, and of course my family. But I don't think I would give them enough justice for all that they do for me. I don't think I gave, my sisters, best friends, and love of my life enough credit either.

How'd I get so lucky?

Anyways.

I am excited for school. And then I remember that Keith won't be a drive away, and then I get sad. But I am still excited for school to start again. Watch how this changes in September when I've been going to classes. I'll crave summer. But as far as school goes, I am still stuck on what I really want to do. But I have narrowed it down..1) Dental Hygienist 2) Physician's Assistant 3) School Psychologist.

And I have no idea. Keith helps me as much as he can, but I think I talk him to death. I know not many people read this, but if you do..uhh could you tell me what you think? I would love you for forever!

Hmm. I don't know why I have been wanting to write in this. Sometimes I wish writing what I felt in here could be a quick fix for all my problems, like it used to.

Summer is summer. I'm working so much more than I have the past two summers. I babysit so much that I am sure I've spent more time talking to people under the age of 5 than I have with anyone else. I feel like I need to get away. Just for a night. And as good as I think it would be to just go off by myself to watch the sun set on Lake Michigan, I am too much of a chicken. Plus, we all know Art and Roxy..they would never let me do that. Yeah, I am almost 21, and I still listen to mommy and daddy. I mentioned something to Keith about it earlier, and he said he thought it sounded like fun. Hopefully, we actually get to do that. Maybe right before I go back to school. I think that would be something nice for us to do before I have to leave.

School. Yeah. It's weird. I go through periods of missing it so much and then times when I dread going back. I don't know. It's not that I despise CMU. I never could! It's just that what I am pretty sure I want to do with the rest of my life isn't available there. And I am up there for another year since I signed a lease. I'd feel too bad just backing out of it. I really am excited to live with Brianne, Em, and Chelsea, but I just kinda feel like I am wasting time and money. I wish there was someone we all knew who could sublet from me. Maybe at the end of this semester? At least there are classes there that will transfer, I just need to either get bumped into 2 of them, or be OCD that first week of school to see if anyone dropped it. Plus, at the thought of leaving CMU earlier this summer, I began freaking out. So, I guess that tells you how I feel about it all right now.

My brother's graduation party is on Saturday. I am excited for it. Drinking with my family, plus Keith, and then Brianne said her and Trae were probably gonna come, and Sara said she would if she didn't have to work. Oh yeah, and Christina. So, pretty much all my bestests will be there too. I am sure the after-party will be more fun ;]. And then I have Anna's 1st birthday the next day. That should be interesting.

So I turn 21 in a little more than 3 weeks. I am not sure what I am going to do for that. It sucks that it's on a stupid Monday, so I will have to wait a whole week until I can celebrate it for real. I will probably end up going to Tiki-Bobs so that Brianne and Sara can come too. I can't turn 21 and not have those two there with me. We shall see. I hope I can top last year. That was my bestest birthday ever.

I am excited that we are having another sister sleepover in less than 2 weeks! It makes me smile. It's comforting. Yeah, I am a dork. I just miss not seeing my sisters constantly. The other day, I was going through old school CMU stuff and found all the stupid notes and what not we wrote each other freshmen year. A note from Brianne wishing me good luck with A.J., Sara's invitation to our last dinner, and a note Gen wrote about hanging out with Shadoe. Yeah, sentimental me saved all that stuff. It was bittersweet to go through all that stuff. I think if MTV needs a new reality show, they should put all 4 of us in a house as roommates again. I promise it would be entertaining.

Anyways, I suppose I could end on that note. Ciao!

Yesterday was one of the longest days on entire life! I watched Tess from 8 until 5:30 and then Jack and Mads from 7 until 2:30 at night. Yeah, LONG day. I was exhausted and had bad cramps, and I felt nauseated..but I made it! And I made good money. And they are adorable. I watch Anna Bear tonight. I am so excited!!

My summer classes start on Monday. I sure as hell hope I am making the right decision about all of this. I keep praying that God will give me kind of signal that this is what I am supposed to do. He probably just wants me to make the decision and then laugh at me, He likes to do that. It's cool though. haha. When I was there on Thursday, I felt a little sad. Maybe I'm not as ready to leave CMU as I thought. We'll see.

I am in a good mood today, despite that I feel like I am going to die from pain. Lately, I have been realizing more and more just how blessed I am. I really am. I have the best boyfriend in the entire world. He means the world to me, and I mean the same to him. I love him more and more every day. I have awesome parents who would do anything in the world for me, and who are now becoming more like friends too. But I know that they are my parents first. That's why we still argue. I have the world's greatest twin and little sisters ever and best friends! I might not see them as much as we want to, but I know that they are just a phone call away. I have the best roomies for next year! I love my cousins more than ever and my extended family too. My job is playing with an adorable 3 month old, and then the loves of my life under the age of 5 who make me feel more special than anyone else. I have the greatest neighbors that I love like old family friends. I have school and the fact that my whole life is ahead of me and that I can make anything out of it. I'm healthy. I have my faith in God. Wow, I have almost everything! Sure, I have bad days and I forget it all, but thank God, today is not one of those days. I love these kinds of days.

I love it!!

But I hate cramps more than anything!!!!

It's hard to imagine how I was 2 summers ago. That was the worst. I was in a very scary place then. It's a complete 180 of where I am at right now. I might sound like the queen of corn like I always do, but when you find true, real happiness after being almost dead inside for awhile, you just can't help but thank God for it everyday and gloat about what makes you live each and every day. I should write a long entry about that one day. Maybe once I don't feel drunk from pain meds! haha.

Now she's two years old and she's my biggest fan.  And I'm wrapped around the finger of her little hand. And she believes in me when I just give up. She takes all my worries, and she gives me love. When I put her to sleep at night, I thank God for this little girl in my life...

Okay, I don't know what my deal is today, but when I heard that just now, I teared up. Seriously. Maybe it's because I just spent 4 hours with Jack and Maddy. Or maybe it's because I've had a pretty shitty past couple of 17 hours or so and when I was with them, I forgot about all of it. Especially when I spent 1 1/2 of that cleaning up the red ink that Maddy so graciously spilled all over the beige carpet trying to get out with her constantly trying to help me. But anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, those two, especially Maddy Girl makes me feel so special. Today, when I walked up she shouted my name and bolted to me. It made me so happy. I know that it might seem like I'm more attached to Maddy, but of course that's not true! I love my little Punk with all my heart too! Maddy is just more attached to me than he is! Ha ha.

I sound like such a corn queen, but they make my day. But honestly, I think back to some of the the most saddest days of my life, and having to forget all of it for a few hours, plaster a smile on my face, and play my heart out while I was with them. It wasn't easy, but it always made me better somehow. Like when Keith and I were having bad problems, I watched them the night after he practically broke my heart (don't worry, he's fixing it). Jack was sick. I put them to bed and was up talking to Lindsey about everything, in tears and he came down and I had to just completely snap out of it and hold him for awhile. It'd hurt to much if they ever saw me cry.

I don't think many people understand just how much those two mean to me. As weird as this sounds, they are like my best friends under 5 feet. It melts my heart when I put them to bed and say "Love You!" and they say it back. Maddy will always give me loves (a kiss). You can ask anyone how I say how much I miss them when I don't see them for awhile. They make me so excited to have kids one day. Seriously. Big time excitement. I knew from the first time I watched them when they were just 3 months and 2 that I would fall for them. And I was right, I fell head over heals! lol

God, I'm such a dork.

Every now and then, we find a special friend who never lets down. Who understands it all, reaches out each time we fall...I'll make a wish for you, and hope it will come true. That life will just be kind to such a gentle mind...

When you're so happy with your future, why is it that when a piece of your past drops in, you sometimes feel empty? Almost homesick for it. It's not even that you want the same relationships with the people of your past, but you love/ed them so much that you cannot picture your future without them in it. No matter how little the role is.

I missed a call from Andrew Jason last night, and since I was spending time with Keith, I decided not to call him back. Today, I got a message from him teasingly harrassing me for not answering. In which I responded I would call him back tonight, and I did. He didn't answer and I forgot about it. Funny when you think where I was 3 years ago. Ha. He called me back and we had a nice half hour chat. Some of it was like it had always been, and other parts were something completely new to me.

It's true that I still miss him from time to time. I miss his friendship more than anything. I think of him sometimes and wonder how he is doing. He's still in all my prayers. He is truely one of my best friends. He always will be a very important person in my life. All I can do is laugh when I think about how much of a crush I had on him. Okay, maybe not just a crush..the puppy love kind of stuff. And then I look at us now, and he more of a big brother figure than anything.

We as a "we" would never work out. We've both grown up into two diffrent directions. I am completely and utterly in love with Keith, not A.J. like I always thought I would end up. That seems so wrong to me now. lol I could never picture A.J. like that anymore. I begged God every night to just let me be with A.J. and then when I finally got him back, all I wanted was Keith. God has a fantastic sense of humor. I guess God really knows what He's doing up there. I love listening to "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. It's so very bittersweet and fitting.  With anything and everything he does, I hope he is truely happy.

"I need you. I don't know why, but every now and then in my life, for no reason at all, I need you..."

These are my people. This is where I come from. We're givin this life everything we've got and then some. It ain't always pretty, but it's real. It's the way we were made, wouldn't have it any other way. Wouldn't have it any other way, but these are my people...

I FINALLY got to see my sisters on Friday!! God, I was so excited and happy to see them! Brianne got lost coming to my house haha. My dad had to help her find her way, but she made it and that's all that matters. First we made our champange drinks and then headed to the pool where we just talked about everything we always talk about. We waited patiently for Miss Sara Bara to get there. We killed that bottle of  champagne and we felt nothing. So we decided to call Brandon up to see if there was any other way he could come get us our alcohol early, and there wasn't so we pouted for about 15 minutes and then decided to stalk people online and wait for Sara more. FINALLY she got there, and Brandon called back and it was off to Meijer's with him to get our stock.

He thought we were already drunk, little does he know. I think he was highly entertained with the three of us together. We decided on 2 5ths of Captain. Mmm the Captain. He is always good to us, no hang overs. Then it was back to my house to start our sister party! We did it old school style, pouring each othe's shots and then everyone taking turns dedicating shots. Then it finally kicked in and we started the usually drunk talking about what bugged us, then babies, then boys, and then of course, SEX. It always comes down to sex. Right Sara Bara?

Then we went drunk swimming. HA! Oh my, that was a blast. Brianne and I always wanted to try it out, and it was definately everything I imagined it to be. We played Titanic. lol yeah, we played Titanic. Brianne and I were of course Jack and Rose and Sara was the lifeboat people since she was ignoring us anyways lol. After awhile, Brianne called Brandon because she wanted cigerettes and I wouldn't let her walk down the street to the store. Duh. Brandon came and since he had been so nice to us, we let him in on our sister party. We continued to talk about sex, and Sara gave him a 15 minute lecture on how everything with us always goes back to sex. lol It was hilarious. Sara also gave Brianne and me heart attacks.

Brandon left around 2ish since he had to work the next morning, and we all went in where Brianne and I feasted on late night chicken and cole slaw. Then we went up to my room where all 3 of us piled in my bed and passed out. Very Wheeler 612 of us. It reminded me of nights on the futon. The next morning we went to Big Boy for lunch (thank God for the Ranch!) and then it was time for bestest friends/sisters to go home :[. But we will have more of these!  I had so much fun and it made me realize how much I will always need them, no matter what.

I start my job tomorrow and my nervousness has turned into excitement! I am so excited for it right now! I have a feeling these kids are going to teach me alot and I'm going tto have tons of fun along with alot of hard work. Good combo.

And I fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaly get to see Mr. Keith Silage today! THANK GOD!! I have missed my baby soooo much this week! I can't wait to be in his arms. Yes, I don't care how mushy I am being. I just cannot wait!!!

You find out who your friends are..They never stop to think what's in it for me or that's way to far, they just show on up with their big ol' heart..